The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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