and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
