He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
