The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
