I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
