I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
