Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
