checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
