Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
