help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
