I haven't been this sober since birth.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
