"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize