I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
