my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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