i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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