Old men and throwing up are my life now.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
