When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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