you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
