capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
