If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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