Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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