apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
