some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
