can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
