Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
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