I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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