Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
