if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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