Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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