Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I wear drunk well.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
