but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
