I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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