It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
