You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
