I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
