OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Found the puke drawer
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
