the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
