mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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