How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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