One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
