eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
