Just fell off a train. Bad.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
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