So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
