im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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