I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
