Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
