So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
