i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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