The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
