mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
