No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
We had to coat check the pizza.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
