I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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