they need to just BURY HIM!
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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