you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
We are all done wearing pants today
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
