Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Michael Bay diarrhea
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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