I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
