Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Are we still banned from the library?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Randomize
