His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
